It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
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“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!