Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
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15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Duck typos.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>