Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
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If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*