Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
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People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.