As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
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“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids