I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
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I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Hard not to take this personally
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.