Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
You Might Also Like
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.