kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
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My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers