ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
You Might Also Like
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Somebody’s lying.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now