Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
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If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy