Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
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My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
One of the best
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.