*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
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White Castle for the Win
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!