“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
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Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks