A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
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Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Seas the day!!!!
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Fiction has to make sense.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Oh no