You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
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My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug