I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
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Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.