When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
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Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)