I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
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No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
shampoo implies shampee
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆