[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
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if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Me :
All Day At Night
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.