What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
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The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
be careful
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life