me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
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[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
I’m not alone. I have ants.
what’s more important?
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
“Why you watching this shit?”
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Has science gone too far?
best first i’ve ever seen
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.