Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
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FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
meow
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.