Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
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My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.