i think we should see other cousins
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*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.