[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
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Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.