All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
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Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”