Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
You Might Also Like
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.