I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
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They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
How it started: How it’s going:
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
🤣🤣🤣
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.