imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
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My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.