God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
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Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.