Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
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i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
wow he looks just like him
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.