Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
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Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
groan^2
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.