“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
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English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
The Backseat Boys
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
🤣
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Möther may I have a snäck
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
#oldknees