*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
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I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.