*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
You Might Also Like
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
If a snake ate a cake
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
You look like you would fail a DNA test