Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
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It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)