“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
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New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
first you must answer his riddles
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
War & Peace
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch