It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
You Might Also Like
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
he was correct
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message