Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
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I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too