If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
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Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad