Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
You Might Also Like
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
FRED: right
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
They’re stuck in your pants?
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
“no gods no masters” = leo
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
pat pat