once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
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Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
fly smarter, not harder
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]