The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
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“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore