Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
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Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits