Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
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“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]