At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
You Might Also Like
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
who will stop them
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*