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Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?