corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
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M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
is this how new cars are made??
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
happy friday
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.