I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
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[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
I came this close!!!!
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs