*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
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Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.